In hopes of solidifying my resolve...

[9/23/9]It’s weird how long it’s been since I've written one of these posts. But the reason is that I haven’t been compelled to do so since my last one. It’s weird. Every once in a while there’s this spirit of enlightenment that consumes me with a concept and forms into an essay in which I feel compelled to write down, and further compels me to post onto here. Those blessed encounters are more rare today unfortunately as the idealism and artistic creativity of youth are being confined into the box of reality and mediocrity. And yet here I am. I wonder what the point of writing this even is, or if anyone will ever read it, or if I myself will even read it again. And if I get a thrill in writing it, why post it? As if I believe I have some valid insight into life that others can benefit from. But isn’t that selfish to put myself on such a high pedestal as if I know more than they or have more of a say than they? In reality I am nothing just as they are. So I must write for myself, but then why do I still post it? But there comes a point in your life when things aren’t right and you know that something needs to be changed, and so you’re willing to try new things in hopes of solidifying your resolve. I write this for the sake of the possibility that writing this might make my resolve absolute and put my fickle mind to rest on an absolute cause. Nothing else has yet to do so, so maybe this could. And in this rare time in which I actually have retaken control of my will, I figure I can’t allow this time to go to waste before I inevitably return to my pathetic longings and lusts. In hopes of taking advantage of this rare time of control and focus, I will attempt to solidify my resolve.
You can not let your heart control you. Rebuke the common phrase "follow your heart" and rather follow your mind and logic and the spirit of God that leads you, but not your heart. Your heart is tied with your emotions and your body, crying out for your basic human needs to be met. But we have died to the world and this life. We need to resist the selfish, basic urges of the flesh and ascend to the status of children of God. In which we are spiritual beings, and not human beings. Following your heart will destroy you, reducing you to a typical human being, driven by instinct and basic needs. You want it so badly, but it is completely illogical and irrational. It doesn't make sense at all. It goes at odds with everything you aspire to be and believe God has called you to. If that's the case, how will it do anything other than divide your mind and water-down your passion? You have to resist your human nature and desires and your very own heart to pursue with faith that which seems to be the logical and right path. Though everything in you begs for you to give into your needs, you must not, and keep going towards that which seems right. Though you are cold and alone and beaten and sick and hysterical you must keep moving forward towards that goal and trust that God will make it happen. Because God wants you to make the biggest impact possible, more than he wants for you to be happy and satisfy your basic needs in this short, insignificant life. What started out as passion and focus has now been deluded to the common state of my mind: blah blah. Though times like these my mind is confusing and I can’t understand life, all I can get out of it is that life is an enigma and there is no truth aside from divine revelation. Amidst the labyrinth of the mind and whirlwind of life, my most basic prayer is: God would show me his will, allow me to do it, and give me what I need to do it. If I achieve my expectations it is only because God allowed me to achieve it. If I don’t achieve my expectations it is because God kept me from achieving it. Something in me craves the mystery of the loner image, and is uncomfortable, wary, and offended by the thought of a man who is tamed, divided, seduced, feminized into becoming a lover. I want to be a rogue warrior of the sub-saharan sands, who presses onward into the sun as my sand-scarred face winces through the extreme desert storms.

[9/24/9]It’s amazing that the highest plain of thinking attainable is the realization that you are nothing. Nothing but a figment of God’s imagination. Nothing except what God has allowed you to become, and in reality made you to be. Anyone who thinks he has the supernatural figured out is a fool. Or theology in general for that matter. Who are we clumps of mortal dust to know anything in a supernatural world that we can’t even sense. In true Socratic tradition the wisest man is he that realizes that he is a fool. Whereas anyone who claims to know anything, and acts like knowing something sets you above others, is the real fool, because nothing can be known with apodictic certainty save “cogito ergo sum.” I realize that truth and knowledge and wisdom are ever-elusize and unattainable in the absolute sense, therefore, like Socrates, I simply choose to be a gadfly, and, instead of seeking truth, I seek to prod those who think they have found the truth and show them that they really don’t know anything absolutely.