Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Divine Comedy

Yo. What's up with every time I have a great,awesome, euphoric feeling that lingers in my mind, as soon as I write it down and record what it's like- in hopes of possibly being able to remember it in the future when I read the journal I made- it instantly leaves me as if by writing it down it was transferred from my mind to the paper? What's up with that? Why can't it be that I have an awesome feeling and I meditate on it even more so I can gather the specifics so I can write it down and then it gets stronger because I first gathered my thoughts and then recorded them down so it's even more precise and I can then look at it in the future and reinforce the feeling even more because I can remember what it felt like after all the years gone by of forgetting about it? Instead as soon as I record an awesome feeling down it leaves me, as was demonstrated a month ago when I had this reoccurring longing for China and this musty, ancient feeling toward it which made me melt inside and be overwhelmed by the ecstasy of it and sought to capture it in writing. And yet maybe I do capture it, and though it is a sacrifice losing the feeling for the time being it is exponentially worth it for all the times in the future that I might get a glimpse of what it was like, instead of an insecure amount of times naturally. Just like hiding your face behind a video camera to capture a special event, that at the time you miss out on it, but later you can relive it over and over again.

I have discovered a divine truth in my life. My life is a drama. A rich plot with interesting characters and sharp twists and turns. My backgrounds, family, friends, occurrences, encounters, situations, and the obscurity of each attest to this. God enjoys a good story, much like the perfect story he wrote at the beginning of time called, "The Lifetime of the World," aka the Holy Bible, in which he laid out His plan for the creation of the world, the transferral of His divine qualities onto and into a natural form (man), it's life, destruction, salvation, and rebirth. Much like that one, my life- though less profound, universal, and perfect- has its share of a worthy cast, plot, drama, comedy, tragedy, horror, and the like.

This is the dilemma: Around Spring of 2006 I very stressfully realized that the world around me and the events of which were determined by my thoughts and expectations. This is the conclusion I came to. The way I thought something would be would turn out not the way it really was, and that which I expected to happen a certain way or that which I assumed to be so, didn't happen that way, or didn't happen at all, and weren't so.
So eventually I got hip to this vibe and began to think ahead of the fates and say, I assume this will happen so it won't happen. Of course I found that most of the time that did not work either. Because you can't outsmart fate. If you think a certain way so that the opposite will happen, it will happen the way you think it will happen because you didn't really think it would happen the way you thought it would. If you get my drift. This conversation sounds like one of those Romans 7... chats with Paul, the artist formerly known as Saul.
And as screwy and comedic as that sounds... it's the truth. Straight up. I exaggerate not. I would go somewhere expecting something and the opposite would happen much to my demise. I would think of what would happen, and it wouldn't, as if it were because I had thought it to be that way.
So what is the conclusion I come to amidst this unpredictable cycle of chaos? (what an oxymoron= unpredictable cycle) My conclusion: My life is a divine comedy. I can not outsmart the fates and my place is to live life as I think I am supposed to live it and deal with what comes my way. Think normally and deal with things normally. Don't analyze. Just understand that ultimately I am along for the ride for the entertainment of Providence, for better or for worse; I'm hoping for the better. And actually, though I know God gets a kick out of my life and seeing how I react to the ludicrous, now I'm in on the joke and He allowed me to be in on it. Because He is just and He is loving, while He also has a good sense of humor and appreciation for art and drama. So we laugh together at the mortality and finity of man. Though I sometimes feel like I am the butt of the joke, I think now that it's not that way. I am definitely a player in play, but I can look outside of the finite and see the art of it and it is quite impressive I admit, though I wouldn't expect it to be anything short of impressive. I get a good laugh as the drama continues and I see the next scenes and extraneous plots and the characters dealing with these impossible circumstances and unavoidable, mortally hilarious situations. What a good feeling it is to be in on the game. To be an ignorant character in the play yet look up and see the dramatic and situational ironies, and while the other characters wallow in their grief and stress, you can laugh at them and yourself because you know the ending will be good and as the scriptwriter once wrote, "All things work together for the good of those who love Him." So I don't know how it will end but I doubt it will be anything short of exceeding my expectations, and I know it will be good for me and those that I love. Hallelujah for the Divine Comedy!

So now. Just because I am writing this, this probably means that this curse will be broken and all of this will be vain just for the fates to prove themselves right one last time and have the last laugh. Because if it does truly fade out, it won't be anything worth writing. What's worth writing is when something abnormal happens, not when normality is reattained and maintained.
So now...for whatever reason...now that I have finished writing this and think more about my time in the year following Spring of 2006 it seems it doesn't work that way anymore as much... in fact it seems that things are the way I assume them to be, and now I'm not used to that. So I guess the curse has been broken...and ...wait a second...if I say publicly the curse is broken and think it is...then it will recontinue so....but then if I think....I....
Long live the curse!!!

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