Well boys, it looks like it's a race between love and the mission; and I'm not about to let love win.

What a beautiful thing it is to be loved more than you love, yet how devastating it is to love one without the same love back. As crushed as I am, how much more crushed was Christ, and is Christ.

I just think about how hard these times have been lately, and how my character has been reduced to one of spantaneity, confusion, and lack of control over mind, body, and spirit.

I think about all the times and things that have happened and the state I am in now. I think about what if beyond all fallacies and misconceptions and things that could go wrong, what if after all this and that, in the end it truly was God's will after all. I dare not hope for it lest I be crushed, yet if it was, how sweet and euphoric would that be. Ecstasy.
Everything I've gone through would be so totally worth it. And I wouldn't look back on it as a waste of time or a time of depression; it would be a time in which I was in confusion and frustrated due simply to my anxiety from ignorance of the good things, blessings, and fulfillments to come- a hard time that was satisfied.

And yet, if it is as I fear...then all that was and is and could be is in vain and nothing more than hopeful vanity. All that was and is and could be is meaningless and worthless and nothing more than a waste of time. And a waste of such potential time that could be used and should be used for greater things. These should be the best times of my life, and they could be if they weren't weighed down, watered down, and detoured by this euphoric obsession. They may very well be, and so I fear, that all of this is just another insignificant period in my life to be forgotten as all the others have been, and time is the only healer of this pain. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't God give me instant relief as I have asked of Him. I could say because this is His will and He will bless me as I hoped He would and all these struggles will be worth it and not merely a waste of the most potential period of my life, but rather fulfilled as the best time in my life, yet I cannot hope for it, because there is always the possibility that it isn't of God, beyond all comprehension and all the apparent signs that have me so convinced, and that it is either of Satan to destroy me or merely the vanities of human life and emotion that are inevitable in the life of anyone that encounters people. All I can do is do nothing and keep living. I cannot do ye or ne, but I am at the mercy of the sovereign director of time, of whose play I have yet to discover my part.

O the irony. Dramatic Irony in the finest sense. Does all Heaven know the outcome? and they all just giggle as I squirm, saying to themselves, "If he only knew that it would turn out the way he wanted it to, he would be so happy right now." Or are they saying, "Keep fighting it," or "Just keep living, it will all be resolved in time. We must all go through our struggles. But it is all for the best, yet not the way you had hoped or intended it."


Divine Comedy.